Look Between The Crevices

I called her up and told her I wanted to see her. That I wanted to give the both of us another shot. She agreed to meet me and when I saw her face, the problems just came back again - how she couldn't look me in the eye for more than a few seconds without switching her focus to some guy who's passing by; how she would regard everything I say as nonsense; how something sweet to me seems nonsensical to her (if I had written a song for her she would have chuckled while giving the 'what-the-hell' look before saying "so sweet" most sacarstically); how it felt to know that no matter what I did, it would never ever be enough for her.

Furious at her attitude and behaviour, I let the words "You slut!" escape from my mouth. To my surprise and further fury, she didn't even look at me or look angry. "You know she's a slut," I thought, "Why am I wasting my time here?"

I turned to walk away, not without telling her melodramatically, "If you're not going to say anything, I'm gonna go.. and I won't want to to ever see you after that."

Not surprisingly, she let me go. I felt this deep pain eat me up from inside which throbbed a little harder with every step that I took and I couldn't believe that I had let myself go through all of that again.. after literally vowing never to let someone treat me like that ever - especially her.

When someone asked me just last week what my biggest fear in life is, I answered almost without hesitation that it would be the fear that I may never bring myself to put myself out there for someone again. It's a funny question coming from someone that I actually feel vulnerable to for some inexplicable reason; but I can only wonder how long more I can actually let myself live like this cause I really don't know anything anymore.. except that I cannot go on like this forever. I don't want to.

To the author of the above:
You're a charming guy with a voice like no other, awesome companion and date to have for house parties to private events. I love how you captured certain things i find hard to pen; its a consolation to know that one is never alone in what seems to be a neverending pitt. Just to let you know, you've been missed dearly by your mrs. Lets do it again - watching you enjoy the music at Harrys with beers on our table. It was, afterall, a memorable night (: *hug*